Like most young adults I thought I was invincible, PREGNANCY it doesn’t happen to girls like me. However I soon learned that it can happen to “girls like me” I was not the single exception to the rule, and the time had come for me to face some pretty hard choices.
Adoption was always an option for me. I was just freshly 20 I didn’t have a job, a place to live, money or a car. I had not talked to my parents since they found out that I spent all my money on a plane ticket to see my boyfriend of one month in California. His name is Steven and he’s an important role in this story so remember him. I was always living in the moment not thinking about what consequences may come; things always just had a way of working out for me. Originally I planned for a closed adoption because I thought it would all just go away. I thought the pregnancy experience would disappear in nine months therefore I did not want my family my friends or Steven to know. I will never forget that first doctor’s appointment because I got the biggest reality check. I was sitting in the waiting room next to a cute married couple who had been trying for months to get pregnant. She had thought she was and we chatted for a while and got called to the back room at the same time. I unsurprisingly found out my results were positive and walked out feeling excited, her excitement had rubbed off on me. I decided to wait for the couple, when they came out I knew she had been crying “The results weren’t what we were hoping for” she said with a warm smile and then she did something that took me by surprise; she hugged me and told me I would be a great mother. I didn’t know what to say so I smiled thanked her and walked out. My stomach was in knots I kept thinking its people like that who should have babies not kids like me. I was so angry. I wanted the results to be switched so then we could both be happy.
Seeing a couple that was ready for a baby confirmed what I had been feeling all along. Later that day I made an appointment at an adoption agency. I met with a counselor, and we talked about my options and I told her the ONLY option was adoption. She asked me how my family felt about it. I told her they didn’t know and they didn’t need to know. I was choosing to shut them out. She then asked me about the birth father and I told her I would never be telling him. She then informed me that it was illegal to not notify him
-_- << my actual face.. I told her that I would need to think about it more knowing the entire time I was probably not going to be getting out of this little legal bind. After the appointment my counselor invited me to a support group for unplanned pregnancies I listened to stories of girls who had been through this already. They were really helpful on the topic of telling friends, family and baby daddies, but I still couldn’t shake the fear and anxiety. I mostly feared telling Steven because I didn’t know his views on how to handle an unplanned pregnancy. I also dislike confrontations and in most cases I will let my feelings take a back seat to please the other person. I was terrified of what that would mean. I decided that before I told him I would need a bulletproof plan. So I started planning. I planned every detail. I wrote down what I wanted in a couple what I didn’t want and I would scratch things off and add things every day, I would walk through the grocery store or the park or the mall and watch people and if I liked something I would put it on my list. I wanted the family I picked to be perfect! After weeks of planning I called my parents and informed them of my predicament. I always knew that getting pregnant could happen but I never understood if it did happen how many people it would truly affect. I started thinking about distant family members on my side and on my boyfriend’s side; people that I had never even met before. I would wonder how those people would react so much so that I would wake up at night in a panic.
When I finally got enough courage I decided to call my dad. He was upset and kept asking what I was going to do. I told him my plan and then told him I wanted him to tell my mom, he said he wouldn’t. This came as a shock to me because my dad in most cases would not mind being the bad guy. I decided that I would just call her that night and get it over with. She told me she loved me and she would support me but she was so upset that she distanced herself from me. That hurt me more than anything else because she and I are very close. Not having her to call was the worst part of the early pregnancy. My dad and I stayed in contact. He told me that I needed to tell Steven right away, I would fight back and I always had an excuse as to why I couldn’t; I was even getting tired of my excuses.
A week later I decided I had enough of his nagging so I started to get my plan going. I got my list out of all the perfect qualities and said a quick little prayer and began searching through couples, at first nothing was happening I started thinking “maybe I have way too many requirements, maybe I should take some stuff off” but I just kept having this feeling of “Don’t settle.. You always settle.” So I kept looking and I found nine couples that had some of what I was looking for but one that had it all! I didn’t trust my judgment anymore I had made way too many rushed decisions and I couldn’t afford for this to be one of them, it wasn’t just about me anymore. So I called my dad and had him look at the couples. I asked him to put them in order from like to absolutely love and his number one couple was the couple I loved so I made contact with them IMMEDIATELY. I told them I was 9 weeks pregnant and that I knew it was a little early on but that I just wanted to get to know them better!
After making contact I decided it was the right time to tell Steven so I bought a ticket for Halloween weekend I figured telling him scary news would be most appropriate on the scariest weekend of the year. He agreed to let me come out and he was excited. Halloween night we sat down and I informed him that I was 13 weeks pregnant, I braced myself for the dramatics but he surprised me. The expression on his face never changed he just looked at me and asked “What are you going to do.” When he said those words it took away my fear of him taking control. I told him the plan and I showed him A&R, I didn’t have to do any convincing he loved them. I remember leaving him thinking “I didn’t know what was going to happen with us but I wasn’t worried anymore.” The next weekend A&R came to Utah to meet me. My agency wasn’t the biggest fan of this idea simply because it was too early in my pregnancy but I could not shake this feeling of urgency we had to meet NOW. It was a cold November day and I was sicker than ever that morning, I remember thinking maybe this is a sign that I shouldn't go but that feeling of urgency returned and I knew it was time to put my big girl pants on and I had to go. When I walked into Kneaders in Provo I took one look at them and I knew, we had this instant connection. I honestly felt like I was meeting old friends for breakfast. We spent a couple days together getting to know each other and I couldn’t wait to hang out with them again! After meeting them my original plan of closed adoption vanished. I loved these people I wanted to be a part of their lives, heck I wanted them to adopt me. (Sorry Mom & Dad)
During this time my parents had moved to California and once they were settled they came to Utah and moved me in with them. They still weren’t very happy about this unplanned pregnancy so they had rules about me seeing Steven but after a little bit we all agreed that doing this alone would only make this hard situation harder than it already was.
At 21 weeks we found out the gender, WE WERE HAVING A BABY BOY! After seeing him I started to become attached I had tried so hard not to but the ultrasound made it real. This is really when I decided that the adoption would have to be open I couldn’t live without knowing this little boy. I enrolled in Cosmetology school and I made that my escape, I put my all into it and I finally felt like I was doing ok at this thing called life. But at night I was alone with my thoughts and feelings and I started to feel really jealous of my couple for getting to have this baby I was angry with myself for not being ready. I couldn’t help but feel frustrated I went back and forth with my decision, I cried myself to sleep most nights. When I did talk to Steven about how I was feeling he would lay it all out for me, he never let me live in the fantasy. He told me the truth and it hurt to hear those things but I knew I couldn’t provide a stable life.
A&R came to visit at 34 weeks to finally meet Steven this visit was hard for me because I knew the next time I would see them I would be handing them their baby, I hated that thought but I knew they were ready and I kept wishing that I wouldn’t have to be the one to give it to them. I started communicating less with A&R because feelings of resentment started to sink in everything they did was wrong. I was so angry and I felt like if I talked to them I would be taking away from their excitement and I didn’t want that. I knew these were my last few weeks with my sweet boy alone I wanted to take advantage of every moment that he was truly just mine. As much as I was dreading it the day arrived I was excited and terrified all at the same time. During labor I had a lot of time to think (of course thinking took place after the epidural) and my emotions were all over the place. I started to freak out because I didn’t want to share him with the world or with A&R I felt so helpless it was brutal on my heart.
I met my first true love Emmett SJ on May 20th 2012 at 4:12 in the afternoon the moment was perfect. HE is so perfect. His name was a joint creation they picked his first name and we picked his middle name. We picked SJ because it’s the first letters of our names and since we couldn’t give him our last name we wanted him to have something of us.
We didn’t call A&R until after he was born; I wanted labor and his first few hours to be mine. The first night I didn’t sleep I just wanted to watch him and talk to him and think of ways that we could keep him. The next day A&R arrived I was nervous because I didn’t know how I was going to feel about seeing them and I didn’t want them to feel like they had to mask their happiness. I said a little prayer right before they came into the room, I begged Heavenly Father to help me feel the peace that I had felt so many months before. When they walked in the room this warm feeling came over me and I was ok in fact I remember being so excited I just wanted to jump up and hand them their son; I couldn’t wait to see him in their arms! It was amazing how in that moment I really did only have love in my heart. On the last night I started to get nervous because it felt like our last few hours were quickly approaching. I hated the feeling of time creeping up on me. I kept telling Emmett the reasons why I had chosen this for us. It was a crazy hard night. When A&R walked in the room the next day I kept waiting for the moment where I would grab the car seat and bolt out the side door but it never came I have never felt so much love in my entire life. It is something I will never forget.
I have seen Emmett a few times and every time I get a little bit of anxiety thinking he isn’t going to know who I am, but every time he comes to me without hesitation I know he remembers me. They have made sure that I am a part of Emmett’s big moments and that he is apart of mine they genuinely care about me. They love my son unconditionally and they have that same love for me. They didn’t care who I was or where I came from; they love me for who I am. Every day I miss him but I completely trust A&R and that trust is what makes this is possible. People always say what a wonderful thing I did but to me it was what needed to happen because he deserved a chance at life. I love you Emmett SJ to infinity and beyond. Our love is invincible.
This entire experience has been heartbreaking and humbling. There really isn’t anything harder than admitting that you aren’t enough for your own baby. I realized very quickly that I couldn’t provide for my child and that was a tough blow. Being a mother is something that I have always wanted, the realization of this not being my time was devastating. I also had to admit that the relationship that I had with my boyfriend was not in a healthy place we still had a lot of growing to do. Adoption gave us all a chance to know each other. Our relationship is special and I know it is important and on top of that I get to watch him live in this world and that makes everything a little better. I truly believe this with 100% certainty, my Heavenly Father trusted me with this tiny precious little life and on my hardest days the knowledge of this gets me through.
If you have any questions I would love to chat with you, You can send me a message VIA Facebook
Instagram @yessilundin
Or Email me at JN_Lundin@yahoo.com
Thank you for your time
Jessica
